PEAKISMS-Home of the Lowest Common Denominator

The Jersey Shore

Posted in Uncategorized by peakisms on July 30, 2010

Started watching the new season last night.  I love watching all those cheeseballs partying .  Best part last night was when “The Situation” was talking about going out and hooking up.  Once you start trying to hook up at the club it’s called “Creeping”.  When you hook up with fat ugly chicks he calls them “Grenades” and skinny ugly chicks are called “Landmines”.  Funny stuff.  I was talking to my wife after the show and told her we should have nicknames.  Since her name starts with an A I could call her A Woww.  I like “The Situation” but it’s a little immature.  Since I’m married with kids I think it would sound more sophisticated if people called me “The Circumstance”.  Has a good ring to it.   So when you see A Woww and The Circumstance show up at a cocktail party you will know that circumstances are going to change and there is going to be some fist pumping.

Advertisements

Sometimes I wonder if these infomercials are just a joke being played on us…

Posted in Uncategorized by peakisms on July 29, 2010

by some billionaire who is just spending money for a joke.  I was watching Glenn Beck today and I looked up from my computer and saw this commercial for the Shake Weight.  To all you women out there.  Don’t waste your money.  I know plenty of guys who will give you something to shake without spending your money.  They might even give you some money to work your arms out.  I know some scumbags who will have those arms in shape in no time.

Now hiring A Trans Gender shemale or heshe or whatever you call them

Posted in Uncategorized by peakisms on July 29, 2010

I won’t mention the business I’m in but I would like to relate a story that happened to me yesterday.  I got a call from a company that sends me business.  The woman on the phone said that they were doing a survey of people they did business with to see if they fell into any minority category.  She went on to describe the categories.  Veterans, African American, Mexican, Lesbian, Gay or Trans Gender.  My blood began to boil at Mexican.  I then told her I had a question.  “Is there a category for white guys that work their ass off and get all work completed on time so they can feed their white wife and white four year old”.  She uncomfortably said sir, they are just gathering the information but it won’t affect the business you get.  So I asked “Then why do the survey”? 

Moral to the story:  This country is screwed.

But, if I have to play this politically correct bullshit game, I’m more than happy to do it.  So, as I told the lady on the phone, if it will help my business I’ll immediately hire a trans gender whatever you call them if I can find one.  We just don’t have too many that I’m aware of in small towns like this.  Better yet, I want a trans gender black midget.  If you or anyone you know is aware of such a midget, the only qualification is that they can see over the steering wheel.  I’ll even provide a booster seat.  I hope it doesn’t offend them that I will put plastic on the seats of the car and that I won’t let them in the house but hey, if it helps the business let’s do it. 

PS  I’ll pay extra for a meximidget that used to have a wang and served in Iraq

New Midget Show

Posted in Uncategorized by peakisms on July 16, 2010

I heard there is going to be a new midget show on tv.  I’m excited.  The head midget is the asshole ex-con midget and he runs some kind of company that saves dogs.  We saw the commercial the other night.  I told my wife that I would let my dog out the front door just so he would get lost and I could call these midgets to come look for him.  I would pay them a bonus just to let me walk around the neighborhood with a bunch of midgets looking for a dog.  The head midget apparently has an attitude problem which would make it that much more fun.

I think this guy may need to change his shorts

Posted in Uncategorized by peakisms on July 12, 2010

Forgive them for they know not what they do

Posted in Uncategorized by peakisms on July 11, 2010

Great clip from Howard Stern’s staff making prank calls to a religious radio show

Internet Down

Posted in Uncategorized by peakisms on July 11, 2010

My internet was down all day yesterday.  I went to Starbuck’s to use their internet all day.  Last night I called Charter Communications customer service after two margaritas.  I told the customer service guy that I wanted to look for some “quality porn” but the internet had been down all day.  It was funny listening to him trying to be all professional while I talked about porn.  I told him that if he could get me up and running I would let him listen to the porn as a reward.  Funny stuff.  This reminded me of something we did in college. 

We kept having these people come by trying to sell us magazines.  These magazine salespeople were very pushy so we decided to turn it around on them.  How do you tell someone no who just won’t take no for an answer?  Here’s how.  We decided that the next time they came by I would act like I was very interested in the magazines.  So this girl comes by to sell us magazines.  She sits down on the couch and I’m going over the magazine list with a look of interest.  She’s thinking she has the sale.  In the meantime, my scumbag roommates are finding the nastiest porno in our arsenal and putting it in the VCR in the same room where we’re going over the magazine list.  My roomates sit down and start watch this porno with the volume up pretty high.  They acted as if she wasn’t even there and I acted like there wasn’t a porno running in the background.  If you could have seen the look on this chick’s face as she tried to go through this sales presentation while all these porn chicks were moaning in the background you would have peed your pants.  We were some major scumbags….the magazine chick eventually got up and walked out.  For some reason she just didn’t want to be pushy that day.

Wife Swapping

Posted in Uncategorized by peakisms on July 5, 2010

I haven’t posted in a while.  That’s your problem.  I do this blog on my time and you people will learn to deal with it.  Anyway, I was having some drinks with friends over the weekend and the subject of who the local wife swappers are came up.  No, I’m not going to name any names, but it did give me an idea.  Unlike the wife swapping couples in town, for some reason, I just don’t really have the desire to decimate my family and have my kid grow up knowing his parents are scumbags but I would be willing to serve another function in a wife swapping organization.  Just like a caterer is for food, I would love the opportunity to act as a facilitator at wife swapping events.  I could hold the hat that everyone puts their keys in to draw from at the end of the night.  It would be fun to try to steer some of the men to a certain set of keys so they end up with one of the fat wives.  Even though we would decline, I’ve always wondered what a classy wife swapping invitation is like.  Do they send out paper invitations.  I would pay money to have one of those on the fridge to show off when people cum over.   I wonder what it would say.  If I was sending out a wife swapping invitation it would read something like this:

“We cordially invite you to meet with other couples for drinks and fun.  We think you would bring some heat to the group”

I have been doing a lot of getting in shape lately.  Those sick bastards could be voting on me right now…you never know.