PEAKISMS-Home of the Lowest Common Denominator

The Art of a Quality Fart

Posted in Funny by peakisms on May 1, 2010

There is one thing in this life that is funny no matter your age….the fart.  A well placed and well timed fart can make anyone laugh.  What follows is my classic fart story.

When I was in college a bunch of us decided to go to Breckenridge, Colorado for a few days to ski.  Now I don’t know what it is about that altitude but it does a number on they digestive system.  As I recall we were staying at the Beaver Run Resort which is at the base of one of the slopes where you can get on the ski lift.  In the evening we got on a shuttle bus to go down the mountain and have dinner.  I should note that on this particular night it was freezing cold.

We had a nice dinner and mixed it with some drinks which, as it turned out, was a deadly combination.  We then hopped back on the shuttle bus to go back to the hotel.  A family of a husband, wife and three kids hoppped on the bus with us.  The wife was carrying a box of leftovers.  When we got on the bus, the husband sat at the rear of the bus beside me(too bad for him).  The wife and kids were sitting on the side of the bus and my friends were on the other side.  About that time I ripped one.  It was not only loud but potent.  Normally we’re immune to our own farts but this one was so bad it made me sick.  Being polite people, the man and his family mistakenly assumed that it was an accident and didn’t want to embarrass me.  Maybe it was my laughing that gave away the fact that it was intentional but the husband finally stood up and yelled “God Dammit” and pulled the window down.  The freezing air began to rush into the bus.  The kids were saying “daddy, it stinks”.  The mom was fanning the box of leftovers to get the smell out of the way.  Even the bus driver who was twenty feet away was putting his windows down.  Finally we arrived at the hotel and the husband, wife and kids got off first.  The woman handed me the box and said “here, this has probably gone bad”

I was, of course ashamed….and still am

To buy a Scooter or not?

Posted in Funny by peakisms on April 30, 2010

Ok, so here’s the thing.  I grew up riding motorcycles.  I love riding them but I’ve always been scared to get on the road with all these idiot drivers.  I’m also unwilling to blow a bunch of money on a motorcycle(especially not a Harley).  I just don’t see paying an extra 5-10K just for a name.  Anyway, so that brings me to the scooter.  They are cheap and the designers have made every effort to make them look cooler than in the past….BUT  you still look like a fag riding one.  So here are the Pros :  It would be fun and It would be cheap and the Cons:  I could get killed and I would look like a fag.  Hmmm  I’ve worked very hard  over the years to build up to some level of cool and it would all come crashing down in an instant if I were to be seen on the scooter around town.   Here’s the solution: If I can get past the possiblity of getting run over, I’ll get one and create a bumper sticker to be put on the back that says “I may look like a fag but the gas mileage is great”  I think this will redeem me a bit because then at least they will know that I know that it looks kinda gay.  The whole thing reminds me of the classic Southpark episode where the gay teacher invents an alternative form of transportation and everyone is wondering why it was necessary for the controls to go in every orifice of your body.  The photo to the left is how I would feel driving around on a scooter.    A penny for your thoughts.

bye bitches

Letter I wrote to Marcos Pizza Corporate Customer Service after Two Glasses of Wine

Posted in Funny by peakisms on April 29, 2010

This is pretty funny.  I was sitting at home a couple of Friday nights ago and started to crave my favorite pizza which is Marco’s.  I randomly decided to send their corporate customer service an email.  If there are typos it’s because I’d been drinking.  I actually got a reply from the VP of marketing which I will include here.

My Email:

Dear Marco,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you to ask your forgiveness and continue our “affair”.  You see, almost a year ago, upon the recommendation of a friend, I met you for the first time.  At the time I was seeing someone else(Papa John) but I must say that it was love at first taste.  I knew then, as I know now, that you were the pizza for me.  It wasn’t any one thing that drew me to you.  Your cheese, your spicy taste, the parmesian cheese for added flavor.  No it was many things.  I knew from the begining that you were Magnifico!  Unlike past relationships I also got along with your friends just as well.  Cheezybread and Buffalo Wings are always there for when we need space.  I also love that you are always there for me, usually in thirty minutes.  I guess it helps that we don’t live to far from each other.  Long distance relationships never have worked well for me.

     As I said before, I am writing to you to ask forgiveness and to continue our affair.  It was last week, in a weak moment, that I began to reminisce of my times with Papa.  I thought of his garlic dipping sauce and the moments we shared after many beers in college.  He was the only one around and I fell for him.  I summoned Papa to my home this past week and it was mid-bite when all of the memories of why I left him came rushing back.  It is you Marco.  It has always been you.  I will be placing an order online shortly.  Come to me Marco.

PS.  Bring Ranch Sauce and Cheezy Bread with You.  I miss them too!

With Love,

John Peak

Marcos VP of Marketing Reply Email:

Dear John:
First, this is not a typical “Dear John” letter. You have a gift for words and pizza insight. The Marco’s Pizza team is yours – and your wit and charm made our day. When you call we consider it our privilege to bring you the best of our Italian heritage. To lighten your heart, would you let us share your clever words on the Marco’s Pizza Facebook page?

With amused appreciation,
Peter   

VP Marketing

Million Dollar Questions

Posted in Funny by peakisms on April 29, 2010

I thought I would start out the blog by sharing some of the things I’ve done to this point in life.  I wrote what I consider to be a funny book filled with scenarios asking the reader whether they would do these things for a million dollars.  Here is the summary of the book:

Million Dollar Questions™ is a book with the purpose of finding out exactly what the average person would be willing to do for a million dollars.  In witty and sometimes plain ridiculous situations, author John R. Peak poses questions that would make even the most money hungry of us think twice about how much we really care about money.  You will be tested to think about the importance of your religion, family, self respect, personal safety, and your health, just to name a few.  This book will reveal to each of us that there are many things in our lives that are worth much more than a measly million dollars.  In an increasingly materialistic society, it is long overdue that you ask yourself:  “What Would You Do For A Million Dollars?™”.  Every time you turn on the television, you see someone doing something to try to win big money.  Whether it’s answering trivia questions on a game show, trying to be discovered as an entertainer or eating gross things that you would never normally eat, everyone is after the almighty dollar. 

This book is for the rest of us:  we are the ones that watch the reality shows but will likely never be picked to be on one.  They can have their shows and their easy money.  Reality TV is a walk in the park when compared to the challenges presented here.  As long as we are all sitting on the sidelines, we may as well be able to ask each other Million Dollar Questions™

You can still buy the book by clicking on this link:

http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=33373

I rock

Peak Out