Average Dumbass

Sorry.  I’m about two glasses of wine into it tonight and I was cruising Youtube looking at some of my favorite classics.  This one is from some aspiring Vanilla Ice.  This assclown decided he was going to cut a demo and mail his 80s VHS tape to Sony Records

thank you lord for providing me with this level of entertainment…he knows not what he does….please forgive him

Peak

This is too Awesome Not To Share

Every once in a while I’ll look this video up just to get a laugh.  Apparently these cheeseballs made a video in the seventies.  We all have regrets but wow!!!  My theory is that they were actually out in the woods filming a porno and someone said, “Hey, lets do a music video first”

classic!

And you think you’re family reunion was strange(100% True Story)

We’ve all experienced them.  You go to a family reunion out in the middle of nowhere and it’s like crossing the railroad tracks.  You ask yourself, how could all these rednecks be in my family?  Well I assure you I can top any of yours.  This was a few years back but it’s a story that’s necessary to tell.  My father made us go to this family reunion down in south Georgia.  It’s being held in one of those VFWs(I think that’s what they’re called) which is depressing enough.  Reminds you of old people with nothing to do but go play bingo.  Anyway, so we get there and everyone’s bringing in their food.  The first thing you do is start asking your parents which food is ours because you don’t know what these people that you don’t know have been doing over the food.  I picture a cigarette hanging out of the mouth with some crystal meth on the stove next to the fried chicken. 

One thing I forgot to mention is that my future wife was with me so the stakes were a little higher.  Once the food gets laid out everyone is trying to stick to their clan to eat.  Only the old people know anyone out of their immediate family.  So I’m sitting their taking a bite out of my fried chicken when I see something that I never in a million years thought I would see at my family reunion…A ##@!!$%$ Midget.   Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t have anything against midgets.  I’m sure there are nice midgets and asshole midgets just like with normal sized people.  But at my family reunion???  My mind was racing.  A million questions were running through my mind.  I didn’t say anything and eventually it was time to go.  We’re in the car on the way home and I couldn’t take it anymore.  “Dad, how in the hell did a midget get into our family?”  “Well, I think that was by marriage”, my dad says, as if this would explain it away.  I didn’t get a better explanation of things so I can only speculate.  One of these rednecks with the last name Peak is in some out of the way bar one night and sees a drunk hot midget at the bar.(I’m assuming there are drunk hot midgets here).  He decides after a few drinks to fulfill some twisted fantasy……and now here I am left having to give  reasonable explanation to my future wife…thanks sicko

you can’t make this stuff up

Peak

Castaway-Just A Random Thought

I’m sitting here working and my son and I were watching the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks and I had an idea for an alternative ending.  Tom Hanks finally gets saved and he gets back and his girlfriend Kelly isn’t married….but she’s gained 300 pounds….now that would be an interesting ending.

The Jersey Stare

Most of my friends love for me to tell the story of how I met my wife.   More specifically, they want me to go over the technique used.  I learned the technique from a friend of mine from New Jersey that I met in college.  I don’t know how much you know about the difference between someone from Jersey and the rest of us but I’ll put it this way.  They are street wise and grow up a little faster than those of us down in the Bible belt.  One night in college I went to a keg party with my Jersey buddy.  I walked in the door first and he was following behind me.   My ultimate objective was to get to the keg which was way back in the kitchen.  Since I was still immature, I needed to get to that “liquid courage” before scoping out the women.  I walk in the door and I’m about to the keg when I look back thinking my buddy is right behind me but he’s still at the entrance to the door and he’s got this strange look on his face.  He was staring past me at the other end of the room.  I followed his eyes and there was a hot chick staring back at him.  To make a long story short , he ended up hooking up with that girl at the end of the night.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I had just been taught the greatest lesson in my single life….the power of “The Jersey Stare”  For a single guy this is as important as Luke Skywalker learning “The Force”.  The only difference is that wereas Luke was using “The Force” to conquer the “Dark Side” we could use “The Jersey Stare” to conquer women.  The technique, once fully developed, works on the most attractive women out there.(My wife is a great example…just a little ass kissing if she’s reading-but true).  Another good comparison is in the movie Zoolander when Ben Stiller comes up with his most powerful male model look and calls it “Magnum”.  The “Jersey Stare” embodies Magnum.

Now, back to the story I wanted to tell you about meeting my wife.  Keep in mind, it was five years later when I met my wife so I was a full Jedi Knight by that time.  I can remember that night because I had been dating a girl and had just broken things off that day.  My buddies and I were going out on the town in Atlanta to scope things out.  We went into a popular dance club where we knew there would be plenty of women.  This is where you single guys may want to start taking notes.  The first thing I did as I entered the club was order a drink.  I then went to survey the dance floor for prospects as well as competition.  I always had a thing for tall women.  I spotted my future wife instantly because she was tall and very striking.  This is where we get into technique.  I immediately initiated “The Jersey Stare” in her direction.  She was dancing with her friends but eventually looked up and was drawn in like a tractor beam.   The initial eye contact is crucial.  A proper Jersey Stare conveys extreme confidence but you must be careful not to convey too much confidence.  This can be mistaken as psycho or stalker eyes.  It has to be just enough.  The next step is critical.  When she initially see’s that I’m staring at her she immediately looked away.  This is human nature.  But this is the key.  She WILL look back at you to check and see if you’re still looking.  The most important element of “The Jersey Stare” is that when she looks back your eyes haven’t moved.  You’re still locked on.  She will then look away a second time.  Now you can go get another beer and she will be thinking of nothing but the mystery man for the rest of the night.  Of course, you have to walk up to her and have  conversation but the Jersey Stare has gotten you at least 75% of the way there.  Unless you’re an idiot or have some lisp you have just cleared the field of competition.  I should make guys pay me for this article.  It is so money.

Have a good week end…any of you single guys report back your successes.  If there are any failures there’s something wrong with you or you need to lose a massive amount of weight or something….life is rough

To buy a Scooter or not?

Ok, so here’s the thing.  I grew up riding motorcycles.  I love riding them but I’ve always been scared to get on the road with all these idiot drivers.  I’m also unwilling to blow a bunch of money on a motorcycle(especially not a Harley).  I just don’t see paying an extra 5-10K just for a name.  Anyway, so that brings me to the scooter.  They are cheap and the designers have made every effort to make them look cooler than in the past….BUT  you still look like a fag riding one.  So here are the Pros :  It would be fun and It would be cheap and the Cons:  I could get killed and I would look like a fag.  Hmmm  I’ve worked very hard  over the years to build up to some level of cool and it would all come crashing down in an instant if I were to be seen on the scooter around town.   Here’s the solution: If I can get past the possiblity of getting run over, I’ll get one and create a bumper sticker to be put on the back that says “I may look like a fag but the gas mileage is great”  I think this will redeem me a bit because then at least they will know that I know that it looks kinda gay.  The whole thing reminds me of the classic Southpark episode where the gay teacher invents an alternative form of transportation and everyone is wondering why it was necessary for the controls to go in every orifice of your body.  The photo to the left is how I would feel driving around on a scooter.    A penny for your thoughts.

bye bitches

I started running and eating right AGAIN Recently

When my wife and I got married I was relatively hot.  Since then my decline in appearance has been gradual but apparent.  I’ve gone downhill and it’s a pretty steep hill.  Recently, it came to my attention that my wife was in possession of an old photo of me when we were dating.  It was even more disturbing to learn that she had the picture in her possession to show her friends as if to say “Look, I really did have a reason to marry him”   I got the picture.  No pun intended.  I guess we all get wake up calls in life.   Oh, I will miss you McDonalds.  I’m sure we will meet again and do this thing all over again down the road.  I will post the old photos soon.  In the meantime I’m hitting the road bitches.

Letter I wrote to Marcos Pizza Corporate Customer Service after Two Glasses of Wine

This is pretty funny.  I was sitting at home a couple of Friday nights ago and started to crave my favorite pizza which is Marco’s.  I randomly decided to send their corporate customer service an email.  If there are typos it’s because I’d been drinking.  I actually got a reply from the VP of marketing which I will include here.

My Email:

Dear Marco,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you to ask your forgiveness and continue our “affair”.  You see, almost a year ago, upon the recommendation of a friend, I met you for the first time.  At the time I was seeing someone else(Papa John) but I must say that it was love at first taste.  I knew then, as I know now, that you were the pizza for me.  It wasn’t any one thing that drew me to you.  Your cheese, your spicy taste, the parmesian cheese for added flavor.  No it was many things.  I knew from the begining that you were Magnifico!  Unlike past relationships I also got along with your friends just as well.  Cheezybread and Buffalo Wings are always there for when we need space.  I also love that you are always there for me, usually in thirty minutes.  I guess it helps that we don’t live to far from each other.  Long distance relationships never have worked well for me.

     As I said before, I am writing to you to ask forgiveness and to continue our affair.  It was last week, in a weak moment, that I began to reminisce of my times with Papa.  I thought of his garlic dipping sauce and the moments we shared after many beers in college.  He was the only one around and I fell for him.  I summoned Papa to my home this past week and it was mid-bite when all of the memories of why I left him came rushing back.  It is you Marco.  It has always been you.  I will be placing an order online shortly.  Come to me Marco.

PS.  Bring Ranch Sauce and Cheezy Bread with You.  I miss them too!

With Love,

John Peak

Marcos VP of Marketing Reply Email:

Dear John:
First, this is not a typical “Dear John” letter. You have a gift for words and pizza insight. The Marco’s Pizza team is yours – and your wit and charm made our day. When you call we consider it our privilege to bring you the best of our Italian heritage. To lighten your heart, would you let us share your clever words on the Marco’s Pizza Facebook page?

With amused appreciation,
Peter   

VP Marketing

Million Dollar Questions

I thought I would start out the blog by sharing some of the things I’ve done to this point in life.  I wrote what I consider to be a funny book filled with scenarios asking the reader whether they would do these things for a million dollars.  Here is the summary of the book:

Million Dollar Questions™ is a book with the purpose of finding out exactly what the average person would be willing to do for a million dollars.  In witty and sometimes plain ridiculous situations, author John R. Peak poses questions that would make even the most money hungry of us think twice about how much we really care about money.  You will be tested to think about the importance of your religion, family, self respect, personal safety, and your health, just to name a few.  This book will reveal to each of us that there are many things in our lives that are worth much more than a measly million dollars.  In an increasingly materialistic society, it is long overdue that you ask yourself:  “What Would You Do For A Million Dollars?™”.  Every time you turn on the television, you see someone doing something to try to win big money.  Whether it’s answering trivia questions on a game show, trying to be discovered as an entertainer or eating gross things that you would never normally eat, everyone is after the almighty dollar. 

This book is for the rest of us:  we are the ones that watch the reality shows but will likely never be picked to be on one.  They can have their shows and their easy money.  Reality TV is a walk in the park when compared to the challenges presented here.  As long as we are all sitting on the sidelines, we may as well be able to ask each other Million Dollar Questions™. 

You can still buy the book by clicking on this link:

http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=33373

I rock

Peak Out